Heroin Shortage in UK: Keep Calm and Carry On!

It's a sad time for the entrepreneurial smack peddler types among us... Due to a huge shortage of opiates throughout the UK many aspiring tripple goosed up businessmen, women and children are being forced to cut their brown with 'other substances'.

The shortage is reported to be down to a fungus that has destroyed much of the poppy croppy in Afghanistan by as much as half. Sad face.

Something needs to be done and quick, otherwise horsemen among us could be forced to chase highs from more easily accessible and less shitty products such as Bleach, Dettol Mildew Remover or just plain gas.

With the large number of UK forces present in Afghanistan until 2015, surely we should be doing more to protect the poppy crops of the humble opium farmer and ensure the smackheads are getting the right fix.

Students Protest Against Higher Education Fees

F**k the fees indeed. Here's a picture of some seriously cheesed off students heading to the Tory HQ to pay Dave a visit. You can see the happy one is already regaling at the thought of spilling Tory blood...

This is fantastic; charge the tits off of students when there's no money to go round, push higher education harder in the schools and make every Tom, Dick and Harriet feel like total wankers if they don't go to University. I went to Uni and guess what - I'd have been better starting at the bottom and working my way up because there's one tiny little incy wincy thing that guzzling watered down fosters and having sex with your friends and handing in half baked assignments doesn't give you: experience. That's right I said it - University doesn't provide working experience (particular courses might - but that bit of paper saying you're really clever really doesn't amount to jack when everyone else going for a job has one too), you have to get that yourself. Here are some crazy ideas that I believe will fix this education fiasco:

1. Get a job after school and work your way up. While all your mates are buying £2 pints and working the 'friend' angle on their class mates bird you can be paying for high end escorts, coke and champers with all that minimum wage you accrue.

2. Search the inter web thingy and find out a million things you never knew/wanted to know/wanted to see (delete appropriately). Seriously though, get the free information while you can before that wretched c*nt makes us pay for knowledge.

3. Take a leaf out of Switzerland's book and create a higher education system based on apprenticeships and hands on learning.

I'm off to by a reversible Nick Clegg hoody for rioting purposes! The side with the old polices on is red so it hides the blood...

Top 5 Soap Badasses

The faces, the one liners, the rapes, the murders, the threats, the attacks, the prision sentences, the comebacks and the obligatory ITV / BBC scary/cheesy/dark and misleading advert.

Its the top 5 Soap Badasses!

No.5

Dirty Den





Controversial as many claim he is the ultimate. He's not. He's so old he's dead and he's so un bad ass compared to number 1 he got buried in the Vic. Ha. Great murder face though. Next!




No.4

Phil Mitchell



He's washed up, old and has a kid so gay he makes harry potters queer aunt look like a hard ass wizard rapist. To top it all he has a hardon for a pigeon faced oud tart and probably goes straying in the other pubs around walford. If any exist. Next!



No.3

Warren Fox



He was a legend with THE ultimate neck-out-chin-in-yer-face move ever! But he mellowed out a bit and got soft when his retarded brother turned up. Bless him. He could never take on No.1 EVER. Next!


No.2

Dot Cotton



Ultra controversial this one but necessary. 'Killer' Cotton has an asbo list as long as Ken Barlows amazing hair. From getting her son 'Nasty' Nick hooked on cheap sherry as a youngster to "'elp 'im sleep" to selling ciggys to underage kids outside Walford's 'Stabsville' Primary School this old crone is rotten trhough and through. A hardcore religious zealot and preacher of christian hate, she has a secretly lethal ongoing fued with every race, colour and creed in the square. And she hates extras.


No.1

Tony Gordon



Yes the legendary Tony 'Massive Multiple Coronary' Gordon is THE ultimate badass. God only knows how many lives he has taken prior to moving to Coronation Street but experts believe he could well rival Dr. Shipman.

Known most famously for his left eye that protrudes from his skull like a gob stopper wedged up a weasles snatch, Tony Gordon is almost too evil, and made the shite soap almost bearable for all us men forced to endure the pain of the wanky story lines.

Tonys Left eye had a hugely successful and bright career ahead of it prior to meeting Tony who had lost an eye in a bar room brawl in Manchesters notorious Black Sparrow pub, known for straying, sparrow fighting and real life cluedo on Sundays where a member of the town would be massacred and bets placed on the outcome. Tony met his soon to be new left eye in a park, high on poppers and expensive champagne. It was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Tony greedily saw his chance to make a name for himself and get out of his rut of bar fighting and straying at the weekends and greedily stuffed the poor pissed eyeball into his empty skull hole and the rest is history. The eye continues to this day to pop itself out of the murderous face of its carrier in a desperate attempt to clear its name and claw back the shattered pieces of its once blossoming career.

To Tony and his massively over-acting left eyeball! No.1 Baddass ever!